astropolitics.org Blog » humor

Army Answer in Iraq?

dolman — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 20:26:46 +0000

(Astropolitics’ good friend sent us this cartoon with additional captions)

The cartoonist missed a couple steps. After we send in even more hunters …

2.       When that doesn’t work, blame the tribal leaders for sending you.
3.       Demand never to be sent to tar pits again (Og say “no more tar pits”) unless you have way more hunters and overwhelming popular support
4.       Homo sapiens come along and figure out that shooting arrows will work, and eat the mammoth at their officer’s club
5.       Neanderthals say that arrows won’t work in every situation and cause too much reliance on technology so you still need more hunters
6.       Embarrassed by arrows working, Neanderthals send more hunters to the tar pits, this time on a “surge”
7.       …and repeat
Oh, and the Neanderthals never become extinct.

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Read Disclaimer before Using Astropolitics blog

dolman — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 15:53:05 +0000

Astropolitics Blog: Accept No Substitutes

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Astropolitics blog. Astropolitics blog may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Astropolitics blog contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Astropolitics blog on concrete. Discontinue use of Astropolitics blog if any of the following occurs: itching, vertigo, dizziness, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, profuse sweating, heart palpitations. If an erection lasts more than twenty-four hours, contact a physician immediately, then call your friends and brag about it. If Astropolitics blog begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Astropolitics blog may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Astropolitics blog should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Astropolitics blog, The Dolman LLC, and its parent company Global Domination Unlimited, of any and all liability. If Astropolitics blog should become soiled, wipe gently with a soft cloth moistened with sulfuric acid and bleach. Ingredients of Astropolitics blog include an unknown glowing substance that fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Astropolitics blog has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use Astropolitics blog only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply Astropolitics blog only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool. process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or Mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. This blog does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it. Terms are subject to change without notice. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This article is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Article is provided “as is” without any warranties. Reader assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity Article. No shoes, no shirt, no articles. quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory – explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight. Keep away from pets and small children. Limit one-per-family please. No money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately. No preservatives added. Slippery when wet. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external use only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Read only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking this article could be hazardous to your health. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician. Do not taunt Astropolitics blog. May cause any of the aforementioned effects and/or death. Articles are ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Offer valid only at participating sites. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Must be 18 to read. Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, B B’s, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, knives, stones, etc, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays). User may wish to consult an attorney prior to opening. Other restrictions may apply. Offer void where prohibited. Not responsible for damage due to shipping or handling. Never use when standing or sitting in water. Do Not insert in ear. Not designed for use by children under 3 years of age. All installations must be done and checked by experienced engineer. Failure to mount and wire properly in conformance with National Electrical Code, State/Municipal Codes and specified safety standards may cause serious personal injury, death and/or property damage. Not a Food Item. Do Not ingest ! No Deposit No Return. Strawberries used in this product not imported from Mexico. All garments used in production of this web site are treated with Scotch-guard to prevent nasty stains. Astropolitics blog is for personal use only. Not valid in all fifty states.

Quote(s) of the Day

dolman — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 17:18:10 +0000

“It don’t hurt a bit to be shot in a wooden leg.” General John B. Gordon, 1863

“They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.” General John Sedgwick, 1864, moments before he was shot dead by a sharpshooter’s bullet in his brain.

“If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined.” Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, 319 BCE

“My religion consists in a firelock, open touch hole, good flint, well-rammed charge and seventy rounds of powder and ball.” Jack Tar, 1781

“If McClellan is not using the army, I should like to borrow it for a while.” Abraham Lincoln, 1862

“It was involuntary, they sank my boat.” John F. Kennedy, on how he became a war hero

“I only wish I had you, gentlemen of the pen, exposed at once to a pretty smart skirmishing fire, that you might learn what it is when a soldier is obliged to repair with his life’s blood the errors which you so thoughtlessly commit on paper.” Marshal Blucher.

“If you have a mother-in-law with one eye, and she has it in the middle of her forehead, you don’t keep her in the living room.” Lyndon B. Johnson, on American military activities in Vietnam

“Canadians like to indulge themselves as a harmless luxury in a feeling of hostility toward the United States.” Theodore Roosevelt

“Two’s a couple, three’s a crowd. Four is two couples. Five is a couple and a crowd. Six is three couples or two crowds …” Alf
“To have a horror of the bourgeois is bourgeois.” Jules Renard

“There is no satisfaction in executing a man who does not object to it.” George Bernard Shaw

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.” Laurence Peter

“I don’t care to belong to a club that would accept me as a member.” Grouch Marx

“Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.” Nietzsche

“A democracy is a government in the hands of men of low birth, no property, and vulgar employments.” Aristotle

“There’s an easy way to find out if a man is honest. Ask him. If he says yes, you know he’s crooked.” Mark Twain

“To be sure, the dog is loyal. But why, on that account, should we hold him up as an example. He is loyal to men, not other dogs.” Karl Kraus

“I drink to make other people seem interesting.” George Nathan

“If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they still would not reach a conclusion.” George Bernard Shaw

“Men are born ignorant, not stupid. They are made stupid by education.” Bertrand Russell.

“A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.” W.C. Fields.

“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.” W.C. Fields

“History is a set of lies agreed upon.” Napoleon

“If I return people’s greetings, I do so only to give them their greeting back.” Karl Kraus

“Many desire to kill me, and many wish to spend an hour chatting with me. The law protects me from the former.” Karl Kraus

“An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.” H.L. Mencken

“One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing.” Oscar Wilde

“The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.” Anatole France

“Liberals can understand everything but people who don’t agree with them.” Lenny Bruce

“Liberty is the right to do whatever the law permits.” Montesquieu

“Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.” Joseph Heller

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” Groucho Marz

“The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is sure of it.” Robert Oppenheimer

“My country right or wrong” is like saying, “My mother, drunk or sober.” G.K. Chesterton

“It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious.” Oscar Wilde

“I think I think, therefore I think I am.” Ambrose Bierce

“A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.” H.L. Mencken

“The standard of intellect in politics is so low that men of moderate mental capacity have to stoop to reach it.” Hillaire Belloc

“We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.” H.L. Mencken

“There is nothing wrong with sobriety, when practiced in moderation.” John Ciardi

There is an old motto that runs, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This is nonsense. It ought to read, “If at first you don’t succeed, quit, quit at once.” Stephen Leacock

“Razors pain you, rivers are damp; Acids stain you, and drugs cause cramp. Guns aren’t lawful, nooses give; Gas smells awful, you might as well live.” Dorothy Parker

“I can’t take a well-tanned person seriously.” Cleveland Amory

“If I owned Texas and hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell.” Philip Sheridan

“It was not until I had attended a few postmortems that I realized even the ugliest human exteriors may contain the most beautiful viscera, and was able to console myself for the facial drabness of my neighbors by dissecting them in my imagination.” J.B.S. Haldane

“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul.” George Bernard Shaw

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.” Charlotte Whitten

“The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.” Peter Beard

“The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of the blood.” Logan Smith

“Bah, Humbug.” Ebeneezer Scrooge

Unexplained (Inexplicable?)

dolman — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 15:08:38 +0000

The Man Who Drew Mice

The Art of Appraisal

dolman — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 16:17:32 +0000

Looking for just the right bullet for that special employee?

(Any and all names in the following examples are entirely fictional. Resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincident. No animals were harmed in the making of this list):

He never appears stressed about his work. Many employees have indicated that they are eager to comment on his work.
He shows potential for unbounded improvement. He actively pursues relationships with his coworkers.
He makes decisions with minimal direction. His name is frequently mentioned in staff meetings.
He makes others around him work harder. His worth to the unit can only be imagined.
He has a wide variety of interests and pursuits. It is apparent that such an employee demonstrates the importance of proper recruiting.
It’s tough for management to keep up with him. The record should state that Mr. Terino fully understands the extent of his responsibilities.
One cannot say enough good things about him. His performance defies measurement.
The possibility of hiring more employees like him should be discussed immediately. Mr. Terino appears ever productive and has been seen dropping in at off hours.
His full capabilities have only been recently discovered His usefulness to the division is self evident.
Mr. Terino was tasked with many assignments this year. Not surprisingly, Mr. Terino handles assignments with unlooked-for creativity. A reevaluation of his salary is long overdue.
Our company benefits have not been wasted on him. He has left his mark on the division.
He is willing to take risks. Mr. Terino sets a compelling example for the younger employees.
Many wonder at the extent of his knowledge. The quality of his work is well known.
As an employee, he is a management textbook example. Mr. Terino has name recognition throughout the divisions. He prefers to work under minimal supervision.
It would be accurate to say that no one has caught him sleeping on the job. The possibility of hiring more employees like him should be discussed immediately.
It is important to note that his work may greatly impact the company. He does the kind of work you don’t expect to see today.
Not surprisingly, a reevaluation of his assignments may be in order. He shows an interest in related tasks not assigned to him. He has proven to be one of the company’s larger investments.
He works behind the scenes. Mr. Terino never appears stressed about his work.
Mr. Terino has been responsible for the changes in our work group dynamics. His work sets Mr. Terino apart from his peers.
He is not afraid to ask questions that check the assumptions of others. His full capabilities have only recently been discovered.
His core values show through in his work. Any division would be lucky to get him to work for them.
A thorough analysis of his performance will surprise you.
He knows the value of office equipment.
He appears ever productive.